Washed White As Snow

Hello, my name is Mona Hernandez, and today, I get to share God’s story of hope in my life.

I grew up in a home where family was important. I am the oldest of 4 children. Both my parents were always present and active in our lives.

We were raised Catholic but only attended church on holidays, celebrations, or funerals. I had never heard of having a personal relationship with God. The God I knew was connected to anything that was considered “religious.” Jesus, in my mind, was the one hanging on the cross in the cathedral.

By the time I entered high school, the hole in my heart- to feel beautiful, loved, and seen, became a navigation for my life. I met my first love, James Hernandez, and gave him my heart and virginity, expecting the hole in my heart to be filled. Instead, it fed my insecurity and grew my need to be loved. Our relationship would be off and on throughout the rest of high school.

By 17, my life was on full speed, heading for self-destruction. I was partying, drinking, and having inappropriate relationships. I found myself following my heart, enslaved to chasing happiness. A few months after graduation, James asked me to marry him. I was 18 yrs old, and he had just turned 20.

In our second year of marriage, we had our first baby girl. The newness had worn off, and reality set in. There were many unmet and unrealistic expectations which was a great recipe for conflict, aka disaster. Since neither of us grew up seeing healthy conflict resolution, we blamed and hurt each other even more. We began going out separately with our friends, and I would end up having an emotional affair. In my selfishness, I blamed James for not being happy, and we ended up separating with the intention to divorce.

“There is a way that seems right to man, but its end is the way to death. – Proverbs 14:12”

By God’s grace, after some time, we decided to get back together. Things were still rocky, but we were trying and started to go to church. I wanted my marriage to work, but it still felt so broken.

One Sunday morning, on October 2, 1994, we were sitting in the small chapel at Bethania Bautista (Bethany Baptist), and my ears, heart, and soul heard the gospel of hope call out to me. I remember walking down the aisle as if I were the only one there that day. Just me and my Savior, I didn’t know what it all meant that day, but I was all in.

I knew I was dying inside, and I wanted to live. I was hopeless and wanted to hope; I was loveless, and desperately wanted to be loved and to love. I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ, and my eyes were opened immediately to my sin and desperate need for forgiveness and a Savior.

I started to see life and all my relationships through a different lens. My heart was awakened to this love that I had never tasted before. I was 23 and was reading God’s Word for the very first time. Reading the children’s bible to my daughter and then go to my bible and read these bible stories.

I felt as if a giant treasure box had been opened, and I could not get enough.

Now, whenever we went out with our friends, things were not the same. Something had happened in our heart. The alcohol was no longer needed to numb. We felt out of place in the atmosphere. God started to change our playgrounds and playmates.

In February 1999, God blessed us with another baby girl. He was not only growing our family but deepening my relationship with Him. I was about to experience a different level of trust. God was calling me to trust Jesus with the key to open the closet door that had been locked with all my past sins of promiscuity and the emotional affair. I had never confessed these to James. The old Mona would always lie or try to manipulate people or circumstances to self-protect. The confession of my past sins hurt and broke James’ love and trust for me.

James left us, and in this time of separation and desperation, I learned how to trust God in obedience, not lie to self-protect, and to pray and believe that God is faithful.

Again, God had changed my love for God and for James.

I had experienced the forgiveness of Jesus, and the power of His love washed me white as snow. God began to transform our marriage yet again.

“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. – Isaiah 1:18”

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.

We had lots of life changes over the next several years. We inherited a son-in-law, became grandparents, and empty nesters.

Tucked between these blessings, my sin of insecurity, jealousy, fear, and worry had started to taint everything I had seen.

I also found out James had been on the internet viewing pornography. I was shaken, confused, and hurt.

In 2017, God called us out of the church we had been serving in for the past 16 years. So, we set out on this new journey, seeking and praying for His will in our lives. He led us to CityBridge. There was authenticity and transparency like we had never experienced before. Both of our hearts were captivated. We decided to anchor our lives here, and God graciously led us to Regen.

My original heart motive was for God to heal James’ heart from pornography and to heal my marriage. But God, in His mercy, used Regen to expose and uproot the sin hindering my ability to fully trust God and love James. So this was another life-changing time in my life and walk with God.

“Therefore I tell you, her sins which are many, are forgiven-for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little. – Luke 7:47”

Afterward, we both served in the ministry. I prepared to give my testimony, and during the process, details from my past emotional affair resurfaced and reopened old wounds for James. It was like he was hearing it for the first time.

This time, God used His word, our community group, and regen community groups to help us through this storm. God’s faithful love and truths anchored us into Jesus. In this process, He has healed, forgiven, freed, and regenerated our hearts. This month we will be married for 33 years, and God has, once again, given us a new love for Him and for each other till death do us part.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. – Galatians 2:20”