James and Mona Hernandez

My name is James Hernandez, and this is my wife, Mona. We've been married for 35 years, and we have two adult children, a son-in-law, and two grandchildren. Right now, we are going into week three of the marriage curriculum, which is about marital holiness. And we wanted to share how we did that well and not so well throughout our marriage and what we learned from it all.

I was raised in a Christian home as a young boy. I had read a picture Bible and knew of all the major stories. One Sunday, I remember feeling that I needed to go down front and accept Christ into my heart, to have him forgive me of my sins and repent of the bad I had done. I thought that being a Christian meant doing good things and being a good person. I grew up in a Catholic home, and we only attended church on holiday celebrations or funerals. Displayed in our curio cabinet was a giant-size Bible that no one ever opened. I had never heard of having a personal relationship with God.

My teenage years did not reflect a person who knew Christ. Instead, I lived in rebellion to Christ—running to pornography, alcohol, drug use, and rock music.

Mona and I met in high school. Our dating relationship soon turned into a physical relationship, and even though we went through some rough dating years, we decided to marry after high school. It was my freshman year in high school when the hole in my heart that longed to be chosen, seen, and loved began to navigate my life. This was the time I met my first love, James Hernandez. I gave him my heart and my virginity. I thought he would satisfy my desires, but instead, my insecurity and my need to be loved grew with my feelings and heart leading me. I began a path of self-destruction—partying, drinking, and having inappropriate relationships.

So, being married at such an early age was hard. I did not know how to deal with conflict, express my feelings, or resolve conflict in healthy ways. We were two married sinners, and we were headed for destruction. Eventually, our selfish ways led us to separate, and divorce was on the table. I was 18 years old, two months shy of being 19, when we were married. Two years later, we would have our first baby girl.

As the newness of our new life wore off, reality began to set in. Our selfish way of living led to lots of conflict. My insecurity and jealousy left me feeling unseen and unloved. In conflict, I would escalate in anger and use my words to hurt James. We were growing further apart, going out separately, and I began to have an emotional affair. In my selfishness, I always blamed James for not being happy. Proverbs 14:12 says,

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”

So, over several months, and through God's grace, we decided to give our marriage another chance. I started to visit a local church body. During this time, God's grace was given to Mona when she surrendered her life to Christ, and by His grace, He used her to call me back to Himself. I surrendered my life to Christ."

On October 2nd, 1994, I heard the gospel of hope call my name. I knew that I was dying inside, and I wanted to live. I was hopeless and wanted to hope. I was loveless and desperately wanted to be loved and to love. I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. I started to see life and all my relationships through a different lens. My heart was awakened to this love that I had never tasted before. I was 23 and was reading God's Word for the very first time.

Now that we were both in Christ, God began to refine us over several years. God exposed my ongoing sin with pornography and lying to Mona about it. He then allowed my heart to be broken by Mona for loving her more than Him. In February of 1999, we were blessed with another baby girl. God was growing our family and deepening my relationship with Him. By God's grace, my past sin and promiscuity, and the emotional affair that I had hidden away, came into the light.

The old Mona would always lie or try to manipulate people or circumstances to self-protect. For the first time, I trusted God and I confessed all my sin to James. The consequences of my sin hurt James and broke his trust. Isaiah 1:18 says,

“Come now, let us settle this matter, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow. Though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”

So, the re:generation Ministry helped me to see the roots of my sin and helped me to trust God with the heart. Here, I could openly talk about my sin struggles and my past without judgment. Our church relationships and ministries, and equipped disciple and Bible study, helped to ground us in truths. Community helped to support us and to point us to Christ in times of crisis.

My original heart motive was selfish. For God to heal James's heart from pornography and to heal my marriage. But God used my 'yes' to uproot the deep sin that was hindering my ability to trust and love. My sins of insecurity, jealousy, worry, and control exposed that I was living in shame and guilt and not in the new life that I had been given in Christ. Being fully forgiven and fully known by God has freed me to love. Luke 7:47 says,

“Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little lives little.”

So, the Re|Engage ministry helped me by giving me the tools I needed to communicate my feelings and learn what healthy conflict should look like. It was here that I really learned how to love and appreciate Mona and see her as the gift that she is to me from God. Proverbs 18:22 says,

“A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

God has also shown me the importance of community and how valuable that can be. When my marriage was on fire and when I was struggling to offer forgiveness, God used Re|Engage to help me understand sin and walk in God's purpose for marriage. I was created to honor James, but my critical spirit, paired with not believing the best about him, would hinder my desire and ability to do so.

Learning how to be a safe place for James by being slow to speak, slow to anger, and quick to listen helps me to be able to see and hear him. This has been life-changing in our marriage. Living in God's will and purpose with James has renewed our loving eyes for each other. The hard is worth it. Trust God in the process, especially when it feels completely impossible. We are Team Hernandez, and God has resurrected our lives and our marriage. To God be the glory. Thanks so much for letting us share.