Led by Shepherds

I grew up in California with my single-parent mother and younger sister under very rough circumstances. My male parent had left before I was born, so I never had a dad to encourage, guide, and shepherd me. As my mother regularly jumped in and out of dating relationships, a healthy marriage was not modeled for me, and there was no spiritual influence in the home. My childhood years were long marked by emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I met my first wife online, and we moved in together soon after. I had no self-worth and was carrying a ton of pain from the abuse and hurt I experienced as a child. So, it's not surprising that the marriage was unfulfilling for both of us and ended with divorce in early 2010.

In 2012, a friend invited me to visit Watermark, and I started attending after that. Through that same friend, I was introduced to a woman different than anyone I had known before. We married after 11 months of dating, and for the next four years, I attended church and Bible studies while keeping my sin well hidden. By denying or simply not sharing my regular lustful use of pornography and the self-gratification that accompanied it, I became a slave and lied to everyone, including myself. Paul writes in Titus 1:16, “They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient, and unfit for doing anything good.”

But God kept pursuing me, and the Spirit convicted me through the bold confessions of others. The guilt and shame of my sin, deceit, lies, and betrayal against my wife weighed heavily on me. Psalm 32:3-4 says, "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night, your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer." I was tired and weary from maintaining my deceit and burdened by my sin. By this time, God had been increasingly softening my heart with the realization of my need for a savior. Desperately, I wanted the rest that Jesus promises in Matthew 11:28 when he says,

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

God used our journey through re|engage to set up the point at which I would come to the end of myself. Chapter 6 of the program is called "Forgiveness in Action," You are called to confess something to your spouse. This was my opportunity, and so on April 18, 2016, I moved from just believing God to be real to fully trusting Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Everything changed that day. The confession of my hidden sin to my wife was hard and crushed her but also freed me as I basked in my new relationship with Jesus. Throughout the next year, the Lord was faithful to repair my wife's, broken heart. He has done amazing work in restoring our marriage to all we could hope for.

Over the last few years, God has richly blessed me with men who have taken time from their families, jobs, and hobbies to remind me of the truth and call me to excel still more. They have been used by the Lord to share Spirit-guided wisdom in resolving conflicts and making big decisions. They have visited me after surgeries, challenged me to confess sin, extended grace and forgiveness when I have wronged them, and in so many ways, they have been constant reminders of God's goodness. Their contributions to my life and walk with Jesus have been a blessing in helping me to enjoy a richness of life I never thought possible. I am so thankful to continue benefiting from how the Lord uses his people to do his work.

In 2014, I attended MENd, a healing ministry, and step-study at CityBridge for men who have experienced past sexual abuse. The Lord used my group leader to show me that the abusive things done to me were not my fault and did not define me. He encouraged me with scripture, and God used him to begin the process of building confidence in me as a man. After that group commenced, he invited me to lead the next group of men through the program, and he tenderly coached me along the way.

There have been plenty of times during which the Holy Spirit has clearly spoken through another dear friend as we met every week for two years. In this time, he encouraged me with his observations of my spiritual growth and would call out my laziness. On more than one occasion, he told me, "I need to wound you" right before laying into some well-deserved and needed admonishment. His boldness to speak what the Lord had placed on his heart has always been a gift to me.

Another faithful shepherd mentored me through my journey in re:generation. He challenged me to live authentically and to share everything, especially the last 2%. On many nights we spent hours at his kitchen table talking about my progress and obstacles to growth. He challenged me to diligently work the steps and frequently reminded me of God's Word. I am so thankful that now four years later, he continues to walk with me as a blessing and gift in my life.

Finally, the Lord has used my Bride to shepherd me on numerous occasions. As my suitable helper, she is with me every day and sees me at my best and worst. God uses her to remind me of his areas of my life that need to be more fully surrendered to him and encourages me when she sees me resembling Jesus.

As I have continued to heal from the wounds of my past, God has placed a desire in my heart to comfort others with the same comfort I have received. In pursuing that mission, I have been blessed to walk alongside nearly three dozen men through MENd. It is amazing to

see God move into a man's life and begin the process of freeing them from their shame. It is my privilege to watch God use heartbreaking stories for good. In Genesis 50:20, it is written,

“...you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”

I have seen men become radically transformed in just a few months. Moving from anger to forgiveness, from shame to freedom, from depressed and suicidal to alive and full of joy. Praise God!

God has brought other men into my life to walk with as a mentor through the 12 steps of their re:generation journey toward recovery in Christ. Only because of the work he has done in my life to renew my mind and give me confidence in him am I able to counsel, encourage, and sharpen others. As my wife and I served in re|engage, God presented several opportunities to walk with men through that journey. In using my story of brokenness and restoration I was able to speak truth into their lives and trust the Lord to use it.

The greatest and most important shepherding role I have been entrusted with is that of my wife, Celin, and our daughter Jade; they are my first ministry. Only with help from the Holy Spirit can I be most like Jesus we see in John 10. Celin and Jade are my flock, and I am called to show great concern for them. I am intimately involved with them and provide for their needs. With Jesus as my example, I guide and lead them to our risen King. I am willing to sacrifice my own comfort and, if necessary, even my life for them.