I Was Blind, and Now I See

Hello, I’m Isabel Peacock, and I’m thankful to share some of my story today. My life was filled with pain and confusion before I was able to see God’s love for me. As a child, I was sexually abused by my ex-stepfather. Even though I was young, I knew I was wronged, and I gained the value of trying to do right and seek justice. But, as a sinner, I failed continually and then grew shameful and resentful. 

I went to church sometimes, and that was it. I was tuned out during sermons, critical and closed off from those in the church. 

Upon high school graduation, I found out that I was pregnant, and I chose to have my son, Nathen, despite my fears. Becoming a teen mom came with great responsibility and began the softening of my heart. Nathen’s dad and I married during my pregnancy, separated within months, and divorced soon after without accepting counsel or family input. At this time, I was not following God and didn’t care to heed what his word said about marriage and divorce. This was a very dark season for me. I felt alone and thought maybe my life was no longer worth living, and one night took 15 Tylenol. My mom called for help, and after getting stable at the ER, I was transferred to a mental health hospital, and the driver told me about the true king Jesus having a plan for my life. This was a small ray of hope that kept me holding on.

After this, I continued searching for life and entered a new relationship with my now husband, Jimmy. We soon moved in together, and it wasn’t long before we were often arguing. God in His goodness was allowing me to really experience the pain of my sin and going my own way. After an argument one night, we settled down and talked, and I said something like, “If there even is a God, I want to know Him, and we need to find Him if we are going to make it.” It was the first of me listening to God’s whisper calling me to himself.

In the summer of 2013, Jimmy and I walked in late to a Sunday night service at Watermark Dallas and sat in the back corner. I still had critical thoughts about the church, but my pain and searching outweighed it. In my seat, I closed my eyes and prayed, asking God to remove my critical thoughts and to open my ears to hear the message. It was then that I clearly heard the speaker deliver the message about God’s love. Over and over, He said, “God loves you.” I was completely consumed by God’s love that night and left the service weeping uncontrollably for about two hours. I believed the lie for so long that I was dirty and unlovable by a good God because of what I had done and what had been done to me. I walked into the church service that night blinded by shame, and I left confidently knowing God was a good Father that loved me, and it kept me coming back. 

Fast forward, Jimmy and I married, became members of Citybridge, and joined a group for early married couples. I was checking all my boxes, and I thought things were going great.

Then a gift of desperation came; my husband confessed that he was an alcoholic. My first thought was, “Oh no, who did I marry?” But then I sought his forgiveness for my lack of attention because I felt like a terrible wife for not seeing that my husband had been struggling with anxiety and masking it with alcohol. My plan was to make sure HE went to re:generation, a recovery ministry. God’s plans were different, and thankfully I sat through the worship and testimony time. I realized I had destructive sin patterns and so much to be healed from. I just didn’t know if change was possible and knew I couldn’t change myself. God had to step in and change me as I surrendered to him. I wanted to love God back; I prayed, admitting to all my wrong and putting my trust in the finished work of Christ, not just with my lips but with my whole heart. I also asked God to give me a hunger for Him and for guidance as I began to read the bible for the first time. The Holy Spirit guides me and teaches me every time I open His word. Jesus says in John 8, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free... So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

God continues working in all areas of my heart and life, including my marriage and home. Three years ago, I could see that I was not the submissive, respectful wife God called me to be and saw the lack of unity it caused our marriage, family, and small church group. I held on to God’s promise to restore the damage and confessed. I was met with grace and forgiveness. This confession and repentance impacted my marriage by allowing me to trust God’s order in marriage, with Jimmy being my head. I no longer see him as one to compete with, thinking my way is better; instead, we know our differences and practice celebrating them. I see that we are made to be one and work towards maintaining that oneness to build a Godly heritage for His glory.

Before, I didn’t know love. 1 John 4:19 says,

“We love because he first loved us.”

Because God loved me, I grew a love for him and a desire to serve and love others around me. Initially, that was hard for a selfish person like me. I was begrudging in the way I served and reached for affirmation from others. The more I serve others, the more God grows selflessness and love in me. He’s taught me that He sees me and that He is enough. I am grateful to be a part of a church where I am stronger in faith, seeking forgiveness very often, humbled, and ready to be used for God’s plan.

Family and friends have been a witness to my peace with God and change in character. And I get to share God’s message of love whenever I am given the opportunity. Although not everyone wants to hear and trust in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, some are searching, and some are ready. God graciously allowed me to be a part of baptizing my sister-in-law and mentor my younger sister, who accepted Christ a few years ago. It is life-giving to be a part of God’s mission here.

Remember my life before- blinded by hurt and confusion, desiring life but searching for it in all the wrong places? Through the past eight years of following Jesus and walking through recovery, those words do not define my life any longer; I have a new purpose and new life because of Christ. I was blind, and now I see.