No Longer Ashamed

Before Christ, my life was marked by shame and self-protection. The people who were supposed to love me were often the ones who hurt me. Both my parents were absent due to drug addiction and alcoholism. I was sexually abused by a family member, and the seeds of shame took root. I lived life believing that I could only rely on myself and that all people were the same- selfish and cruel. After being date raped in high school, I made a promise to myself that I would be tougher so no one could ever hurt me again. I stole, lied, and raged when I felt threatened. With each poor decision, my self-worth grew smaller, and shame grew. I lived in fear that people would see how broken I was, so I sought isolation even though I hated being alone, especially at night time. The stillness of night brought a painful silence that I desperately avoided with alcohol and inappropriate relationships. It seemed as though the cycle would never end. God was calling out for me in that silence, but I was unwilling to listen. Until one night, I sat alone in a motel room, pregnant and at the end of myself. God showed me that I had become what I hated. Selfish and cruel. Rock bottom was a beautiful, heartbreaking gift that forced me to stop and listen.

God brought to mind a woman who tried to tell me the gospel as a teen. I ignored what she said; in fact, I don't even remember her name. But I watched her behave like a woman who was free and full of joy. She modeled peace for five minutes of my life, and God used that to reach me. Afraid and ashamed, I went to church. There I met so many women who laughed and rejoiced so beautifully that I wondered if it was even real. I practiced asking forgiveness and made amends with the people I had hurt. Over the next few years, Christ gave me a desire to study His word. He graciously revealed his sweet promise of hope. He transformed me and gave me a joy I had never even imagined was possible. I was forgiven! I was free from the cycle, and shame was uprooted! Life became beautiful even when it was hard. Just like God says in Ezekiel 36:26, He took my heart of stone and gave me a new spirit to go with my softened heart. My Father Abba held me close as I was presented with opportunities to tell others about the one who had changed me. God showed me that the story He wrote for me could be used for His glory.

As I shared it with others, God slowly brought women to me that had similar stories. He showed me that there were people out there still suffering and lost. God compelled me to go and tell them that He was the only one who could break their chains that only He could give them life. I've served here on Tuesday nights for about five years. Can I tell you, week after week, I see people walk into this building with their heads down with the same fear and shame that once held me captive. I have the privilege of reminding them that their Father has not forgotten them. Just this week, with my own eyes, I saw a woman made to feel worthless find her identity in Jesus, a woman controlled by resentment surrendered herself again at His feet. I could go on and on around this room even. There are dozens of freed children. All because someone told them about Jesus and invited them to come taste and see that the lord is good. Every mundane errand, carpool line, and lunch is an opportunity to show others the sweet joy of living life with Christ. Even as I was writing this testimony at a coffee shop, there was a man sitting with a friend next to me. He was telling his friend that for three years, he had fasted and prayed for God to take away his struggle. They said I wish we could get you connected to other guys who struggle with this. God placed them before me to tell them about the group of broken people who were transformed here every Tuesday at 6:30. Acts 16:31 says,

“Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household. ”

I believe because He saved me. I share with others because I've seen and continue to see what He can do. Seeing God at work has been such a gift. In all these years, I've never once doubted that He is good, and I pray that as long as he gives me breath, I will continue to tell His children of what he has done and what is possible when we accept his love.