Beauty from Ashes

During my senior year of high school, I began an unhealthy relationship that lasted through college. I was addicted to the toxic relationship and used this person to make me feel good about myself. Regrettably, I placed him in a position only God could fill. I made him an idol and gave myself to him in ways that were not intended for him. This left me pregnant in secret, and I proceeded to have not one but two abortions. Ignoring the warning signs, I married him after graduation; however, we later divorced. Following the first abortion, my battles of worthiness, guilt, and shame started. These burdens worsened as I endured broken relationships, emptiness, and heartache in the years to come.

God pursued me, and He placed His people in my path to lead me to Himself. Two different co-workers who did not know each other invited me on separate occasions to their church. They could see I needed Jesus! I accepted the second invitation, only because she said she would meet me. The Sunday I visited, a woman shared her testimony of how God changed her life through a post-abortion recovery class. I am not sure what overcame me, but I signed up for that same class. It took me a while to warm up to caring women because I was used to keeping people at a distance. As we worked through the curriculum, reality hit: I had numbed my pain and placed both abortions in a sealed box in my heart. Christ began stirring things up in my heart, and it was throughout this time I read Isaiah 1:18-19,

“Come now, let us settle the matter, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good things of the land.”

I finally realized I was a sinner in need of a Savior. Jesus’s death on the cross for my sins was a gift I can never repay. By accepting, believing, and trusting Christ as the perfect payment for my sins, along with confessing him as Lord, I have been saved and reconciled to God.

I used to believe the lies that ran through my head: “You are a murderer. You are damaged goods. You come from a dysfunctional family. Nobody is going to want you.” I am so thankful the Lord rescued me from those narratives.

Reflecting on my walk with Christ, the secret that haunted me for many years behind guilt, shame, and low self-esteem, also led me to a post-abortion ministry, where I accepted the Lord and found healing. He has led me to re:generation, our 12-step discipleship program, where I would someday share my story in front of others. He also steered me to have a conversation with my parents about the abortions so I could seek their forgiveness for denying them the opportunity to be grandparents. He also guided me to the doors of a pregnancy center, where I volunteered and joined on staff. This is the last place I ever thought I could be working at! Most recently, the Lord led me to help launch an after-abortion recovery ministry here at CityBridge. This is mind-blowing! But that is how God works –His ways are not like our ways. It is also a reminder that God takes our ashes and turns them into something beautiful. Praise that I have been redeemed and set free.