No Longer Hiding My Story

I grew up with my mom and brother. My parents divorced when I was five, but I don’t have any memories of my father ever being a part of our home. I deeply desired a relationship with my father, but his priorities and choices did not include my brother or me. So often, I would hear the words, “I’m sorry, but your dad isn’t coming,” that eventually, I stopped waiting. I was left alone to try and navigate the emotions of rejection and feeling like I just wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t long after that I became infatuated with the idea of love. I desired to feel secure, wanted, and worthy, and I believed I could attain these things from another person. Over time and through damaging experiences, I began to equate love with inappropriate relationships.

In high school, I began a relationship with a guy and about six months later found myself pregnant. Fear, shame, and selfishness set in. I can’t tell my family. What will others think of me? I don’t want to raise a child alone. The thoughts went on and on. Then I was offered a way to “fix” my situation. I told my boyfriend I was pregnant and that I was going to have an abortion. He let me know he supported my decision and that he’d be with me through the process. I believed through abortion I could cover up my sin. I could keep that part of my life hidden and go on living as if it never happened. After the abortion, I felt regret and deep sadness. I cried out to God to forgive me but believed that my sin was unforgivable. I had no one to talk to, and so began my attempts to numb myself and push down my emotions. My boyfriend and I continued our relationship but never spoke about the abortion. Over the course of 6 years, we had two daughters, got married, and relocated to Dallas. Our marriage was a mess, and I was an angry mother barely able to keep it together.

We began attending Watermark Dallas, and in 2010, my husband and I heard the gospel and accepted Christ. As I began walking with the Lord, I knew I was forgiven for my abortion, but I still lived in fear and shame and continued to keep it hidden. Over the next several years, God continued to pursue me and eventually led me to an after-abortion recovery ministry. I thought being forgiven was all I needed, but God saw the deep wounds that needed to be healed. Through recovery, I was able to work through the resentment and bitterness I held toward my husband and offer him forgiveness for his passive role in our abortion. I was able to accept God’s forgiveness and let go of the anger I held toward myself. I was finally able to acknowledge and grieve the loss of my child. Through healing, I no longer hide my story of grace but use it to praise and glorify God.