Finding Purpose in the Pain
Psalm 139 says, "You have searched me and have known me...You hem me in behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me...Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence."
Growing up, I was an energetic inquisitive little girl fascinated by fireflies. The light they illuminated drew me to want to catch them and study them. The joy they brought in those moments drew me away from the reality I lived in at home. Raised by a single mom and being a middle child has its challenges- but my childhood was riddled with sexual abuse by close friends and family members. As time passed, the shame I felt deepened, and the joyful little girl that loved fireflies and rainbow bright, soon began to bury herself deeper and deeper into a dark place. I felt unprotected, worthless, afraid, alone, and dirty. By the time I was a young adult, my heart was hard- self-protection, anger, and manipulation comforted me.
I became a tough "tomboy," self-reliant, not needing anyone for anything, or so I thought. I graduated from UTD with a psychology degree. I decided to get married to a guy who I felt was rescuing me from my family and choices. But I was divorced and bankrupt within three years. Sexual abuse, toxic relationships, and promiscuous behavior became the norm for me. I believed I was broken and used, so I acted like it. The world was telling me no one cared for me, my identity was in my past, and my feelings were MY truth. For the next few years, I worked hard to be self-sufficient, working as a personal trainer and putting myself through nursing school.
I got married again- but this time to a man of justice and integrity, servant-hearted and compassionate. It was not surprising that our relationship was extremely difficult. Having escaped many of my old ways but still unhealthy, I clung to control. I doubted his love for me daily and suspected he was hiding things from me. I had no idea how to be in an emotionally intimate relationship or how to trust anyone. The desires of my flesh and my feelings led me to the same promiscuous behavior I once knew. I was still looking for my worth from others and had an affair within the first year of my marriage. I was desperate to feel loved and significant, but my view of love was warped by abuse, neglect, deception, and manipulation. I knew there was something wrong with me. Why did I feel this way? I was hopeless that anything would ever change. While our dysfunction didn't change, the Lord used the gift of motherhood to show me what unconditional love could look like. I wanted to love my child, provide and protect her in a way I never felt that I was. This was when God started to soften my heart through the love of my daughter.
A precious friend I met through nursing pursued a relationship with me. She and her husband were faithful, and after a few years, we took them up on an invite to Watermark Dallas- this being exactly ten years ago to this day, the Sunday before Easter. These friends loved us, even though our destructive marriage. Initially, I was scared, and I felt like my past and mistakes were so apparent everywhere I went. But I wanted to be a better mom, so I went to church. Exodus 35:5 says whoever is of a willing heart, let him bring it to the Lord...I was willing. Truth and grace were being shared from the stage every Sunday, and I was desperate for it. I felt grace and truth flow over me, really believing God's love was actually available to me. I learned the truth- God made me and loved me and was pursuing a relationship with me! My hard heart began to soften more. Hope, love, and faith started to replace overwhelming discouragement, fear, and anger. As I pursued a relationship with God, I began to believe He was kind and cared for me. Reading through Romans is when I realized everyone was a sinner, it wasn't just me. I started to believe that my brokenness could be mended and my heart healed through a relationship with Jesus Christ.
Jesus is compassionate; he draws near the brokenhearted and can relate to me in my pain and suffering. He knows what I have experienced. Luke 19:10 says that Jesus "came to seek and save the lost." Me! I learned about the free gift of grace available through Jesus.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves – it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.”
2 Corinthians 5 says, "that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new creation." And finally, I believed that there was nothing I could do to be good enough for God- it wasn't about me. It was about Jesus. God offered me what I did not deserve by extending me grace through Jesus. This truth began to set me free, not enslaved to the desires of my flesh or my past anymore. I was significant to God, and I had value. Jesus offered everything I ever wanted. Jesus lit the path to my freedom and broke my chains.
As my faith grew, I went through Sexual Abuse Recovery. God began to replace my hard heart with a new one, And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart, (Ezekiel 36:26). I began to find freedom from the lies I had believed since I was a kid. During this season, I confessed to my husband the secret of adultery that I had been hiding. In God's loving-kindness, my husband offered me grace and forgiveness. He said the exact same thing God had been telling me, that "I wasn't the same person anymore." We went through Re|Engage, learning what a Godly marriage could and should be. We learned how to communicate and love another more as Christ loves us. But he would provide the healing I needed. Spending time in the word getting to know Jesus more- transformed my heart, and I allowed myself to be loved. I was able to love those around me because I knew I was fully loved. He chose me, loved me, blessed me, invited me, adopted me, redeemed me, forgave me, showed me the mystery of his will. He gave me hope in the pain and loss that this world handed me. He promises to one day redeem fully in heaven. I started to experience life.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
God has gifted me a heart of mercy, and I love encouraging women in truth and who God says they are. I now also get the honor of walking with women in abuse recovery who have similar stories. God has shown Himself faithful, as I get to meet women in their pain with the same comfort that I have been comforted with.
Four years ago, God opened a door for me to use my gifts in medicine and my love for people to start working at Watermark Urgent Care. There I get the privilege of caring for patients' physical symptoms, as well as bring healing to broken hearts. Now I get to share my story daily, giving God all the glory, as I get to be a part of making his name known and share the deep love He has for people. I meet with women that have been trafficked, who are in abusive marriages, are suffering loss, death, despair, loneliness, rejection, hopelessness, and I get to point them to the same place I found life. Often I get to encourage believers, struggling to believe God's promises in the hard seasons. Day after day, God encourages my heart as I realize what a privilege he has given me. I have something most of our world doesn't- hope and peace, and God allows me to share it with the world.
What I have learned chasing Jesus and being comforted by him is that he didn't save me just for myself. He saved me so that I would know the goodness of God and have a relationship with Him. What a privilege it is that I get to share that same life-transforming truth in one faithful conversation after another. If I had to leave you with one thing, it would be not to miss out on what God calls his believers to. Worship Jesus with your whole life. Love the things God loves. Let God use your story to show others of His goodness, glory, and redemptive power. Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
