Confession Was the First Step

Hello friends, my name is Michael, and I have been a part of this church family since we opened the doors here in Plano. I have an incredible wife, Stephanie, of 14 years now, and five beautiful children, three girls and two boys.

For 20 years, my life was stuck in an addiction to pornography. This sin struggle left me in a constant battle. I kept my sin in the dark, would tell half-truths, and spent so much of my time and energy managing the secret while wasting away inside. Psalm 32:3 says

“For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.”

My struggle with pornography began at the age of 14. I vividly remember the first images I stumbled upon on the internet. I recall telling my parents about what I had seen that day, and I was just told to "stay away from that stuff ." Let me be clear, I do not blame my parents or anyone else but myself for the sin I chose to follow. I grew up in a loving family and wanted for nothing. My upbringing was catholic until 16, then Pentecostal for a few years, and eventually evangelical churches. But, in sin, I followed and pursued my desires, creating my prison with the keys to freedom in my pocket the whole time. My desires and my comfort came first in life.

Wasting away inside the entire time, I could not be the faithful husband to my bride and father to my children that God intended. As a result, christ-centered leadership and fruitful relationships with my children were absent.

My wife tells me now how she viewed our marriage before my confession: she said Most of the time, she felt as though she was a single parent that did not have to work. By the world's standards, we were doing fine, but now seeing the other side of how Christ has begun to transform, she had no idea what our marriage could be. The world's standard for anything falls short of God's loving plan for us. It's like holding a candle next to the Sun.

My relationship with Christ was distant and stagnant. My ability to be a servant to people and be active in the body of Christ was not authentic.

It seemed like I had no way out, I tried on my strength so many times to leave my addiction to pornography behind, but I fell short. Proverbs 28:13 says,

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

My Recovery through Christ began at a marriage conference at Watermark Plano in February 2020. A time of confession was offered to my wife and me, and I selfishly took the entirety of the time to confess my struggle with pornography to my wife. I still don't know whether she had anything to confess that day. There was such an incredible, unexplainable feeling of freedom accompanying the confession. My wife met me with astounding grace and mercy that still encourages me today.

My Family, Community group members, church leaders, and fellow regen goers met me with acceptance, love, and understanding.

The next few weeks were challenging, hard work, but they produced amazing results. Now that I had finally followed God's plan, his instruction to confess sin and live in the light, my journey of restoration could begin.

The devil convinces us that our sins are unique to us, they are too shameful to reveal, and the consequence of confession is too great to bear. The enemy's burden entangles us in drags us down into eventual suffering in this life and eternally in the next. Sin can be pleasing and fun for a time, but it is a house built on unstable ground and will – without fail – collapse. Never forget, our magnificent creator already knows we are sinners and do not come close to his glorious standard. We've all fallen short.

Confession was just the first step, and trust had to be rebuilt in my marriage. To lay a good foundation to rebuild trust, I was sure to confess 100%, not just that "I've been addicted to pornography" I was sure to confess the appropriate level of detail and answered all her questions to the best of my ability. I knew if I left anything on the table, it would be enough to pull me back into sin.

I was so grateful for the grace I had received. I held the freedom God gave me carefully because I knew how easy it was to fall back into my sin struggle. Some of my next faithful steps for my wife were to let go of privileges I once had. I now have content blockers on all the internet-accessible devices that I need, and I gave up access to many of the devices in my house. I took a sabbatical from screens for quite some time, only using them when I had to for work and making phone calls.

Along the way, and even today, I am still temped in sin. So I made sure to write myself a note to remind myself how desperate I was, how the fun and pleasure of sin eventually faded away, and how I was left miserably in chains.

At the advice of friends and church leadership, my next faithful step was to join the Regeneration ministry here at our church. This ministry laid a foundation for my daily walk with Christ and equipped me with the tools I need to continue my restoration for life.

One of the many lessons that resonated with me from regen is living and walking with Christ one day at a time.

My goal is not to go 10, 20, 30, or the rest of my life without falling into my past sin. But to walk with God today, ask him diligently for Strength and Wisdom to make it through, and sometimes pray that prayer from moment to moment.

Thanks to God's restoration plan; Jesus Christ, the blameless perfect lamb, dying on the cross, becoming the ultimate sacrifice for all of my sins, putting my trust in that promise, then confessing and turning away from my sins, He has made me a new creation, my old sinful desires are fading, and my love for God, for good things, and other people is increasing.

Stephanie and I have been gifted a new incredible marriage. One where we are faster to listen to and understand each other, serve each other in humility, pursue Christ and pray together. My wife describes it as one of those videos where a color-blind person puts on sunglasses that allow them to see colors for the first time. We had no idea what we were missing out on. Relationships with my children are more fruitful as we have seen their once bad behavior be completely removed (not really). That's still a work in progress, but my wife and I are truly on the same team now and love to biblically disciple our children together. Now that I am free and living in the light, I can have authentic conversations about my sin struggles with my children, sharing God's love in our sin and warning them of its consequences. Isaiah 61:3 says,

“...to bestow a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

After commencing from regen, I had the opportunity to lead a new group of men through the process. For the past year, I have had a front-row seat to continue witnessing God's miraculous work in these men's lives, and I have been joyful every minute.

My journey in recovery is ongoing day by day. I praise God for the mercy he has shown me and the confidence he is building in me. I now look for opportunities to help and love others rather than avoid them. God has the desire and power to change us at any moment. He desires to be with us and for us to be in His perfect will - His Good, pleasing, and perfect will. Christ came to show the way. God has given us the playbook of how to be restored through His word, the bible. I am thankful now to be a part of his plan, and I hope and pray he will lead me into more opportunities where I can help call others into his kingdom.

Through experience, humility, and wisdom through God's word, I urge you to confess. You can make every effort to turn away from your sin on your own, but without God, It is impossible.